I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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