last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
