Kiss
Puke
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
