tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
