so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
