Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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