I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
