hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
