I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
