Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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