Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
