i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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