I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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