Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
