dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
