eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
