5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
