What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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