If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
