if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I need to stop coming to work sober
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
