Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
