We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
