i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
