there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My vagina is officially offended.
Randomize
