just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
