That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
