my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
