She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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