I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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