so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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