Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
