I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
