My friends, they love my intelligence
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
