i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
