ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
