i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
