1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
