Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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