ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
