ya dads aren't the best wingmen
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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