Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
