you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
