i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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