The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
