You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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