I think my vagina is haunted
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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