Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
