Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
