i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
