I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
